


Manage Me, I'm a Mess

by walkingtr4vesty



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Drinking, Insomnia, M/M, Nightmares, live shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 03:25:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkingtr4vesty/pseuds/walkingtr4vesty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which all Alex is doing is getting drunk, working too hard and fucking up, and Jack doesn't know how to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Manage Me, I'm a Mess

**Author's Note:**

> I know that all I do is take advantage of a very small period of time when Alex Gaskarth was a bit messed up, and if I want to write things like this I should probably more over to Revenge Era Gerard or whatever, but oh well. I love All Time Low :')  
> No disrespect intended and all that again. I don't own All Time Low (omg how I wish I did). Probably got more to say but I've forgotten :P  
> This is about 2000 words longer than I thought it would be. The last 2000 words are probably the better ones really.

“Alex, are you sure you want to play tonight?” Rian asked gently to a drunk Alex who was slumped across the sofa in the bus, looking very sorry for himself. 

“Of course I’m fucking sure,” he replied harshly. “We can’t let the kids down.”

Rian turned to Jack and Zack and shrugged helplessly. 

“Hey, Alex,” Jack said cheerfully, throwing himself onto a pile of cushions next to his best friend and mouthing ‘piss off’ to the other half of the band. “You alright buddy?”

“Fuck off Jack,” Alex mumbled miserably. 

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’,” Jack frowned. “We don’t have to, you know…”

“Yes we do,” Alex sighed. “We owe it to the kids.”

“They’d understand Alex. We can come back.”

“I don’t want to come back,” he almost shouted. “I want to do it now!”

“Alex bro, I’m not letting you out there like this.”

“You can’t fucking stop me Jack.”

“Alex…” 

Alex sighed again and suddenly, without warning, he was fast asleep with his head on Jack’s shoulder. Jack waited until he was sure the smaller man wasn’t going to wake up again before carefully removing Alex’s head from his shoulder and laying him down across the sofa and throwing a blanket over him. He smiled briefly at how young his best   
friend looked when he slept Jack closed to door softly behind him, and went straight to the fridge to get himself a beer. 

This was not looking good. All Time Low were on in three hours. Their crew were already inside with the support acts. The four All Time Low boys were supposed to be aswell, but   
Alex was so wasted that they’d stayed on the bus. Now it looked like they might not even be able to play. 

Jack slammed his fist into the table and sighed. He loved Alex to bits but he hated how Alex wouldn’t let anyone in to help him. 

“Are we on tonight or not, then?” Rian asked, throwing himself into a chair, followed by Zack who moved to the fridge to get a beer, just like Jack had.

“God, I have no idea,” Jack ran a hand through his crazy skunk hair. “I really don’t think we should, but Alex is hell bent on ‘doing it for the kids’.”

“He can’t keep going like this,” Zack sighed. “He’s so wrecked it’s ridiculous.”

“I know,” Jack agreed. “Crazy bastard. I really don’t know what to do.” He looked at his two best friends helplessly. They all knew how serious this really was. All Alex was doing was drinking by day, sleeping and going on stage wasted or even worse, hungover. He refused to ever let any fan down. Alex was going to kill himself if he carried on like this. 

 

Two hours passed and the three All Time Low boys were even more worried. Alex hadn’t woken up yet. Jack loved playing live but he was secretly sort of hoping that Alex just wouldn’t wake up in time and they wouldn’t be able play. Maybe they just needed a break for a few nights. They’d been touring all month, and the festival season was barely over.   
It was too much for everyone but it was especially too much for Alex. 

Suddenly Jack’s phone vibrated in his pocket. 

Bring me a glass of water, asshole. 

Jack grinned and texted back: No, motherfucker. Come and get it yourself. 

“I think we might be on,” he said to his other two bandmates happily. 

“Awesome,” Zack grinned. 

They were all pretty worried about their friend, but none of them could deny that playing live was pretty much the best feeling in the world. 

“How long have we got?” Rian asked. 

“Uh, like forty minutes?” Jack replied, checking the time on his phone. Just then, the door creaked open and a wrecked-looking, but smiling Alex emerged from the other room. His   
hair was completely messed up from sleep and he still looked knackered but he didn’t look drunk any more. If anything, he looked happy. 

“When are we going in?”

“Soon,” Jack replied. “If you’re up to it?”

Alex’s face hardened for a moment, which didn’t inspire much confidence in Jack. “Yes. I am. I’m fine, dude.”

Rian opened his mouth, but Jack elbowed him. “Well then motherfucker, you’d better go and shower because we’re on really soon.”

“Alright mom,” Alex grinned, disappearing back through the door he’d just come from. Running water could be heard moments later. 

The three remaining All Time Low boys also left the kitchen to change their t-shirts and sort out the final things they needed. None of them could wipe the grins off their faces. 

 

Both the support acts had finished, and All Time Low’s crew was setting up for the final time that night when they stumbled in, dangerously late.

“Where the fuck were you?” Matt Flyzik glared at the four boys, who did have the grace to hang their heads like disgraced puppies. 

“Can we talk about this later?” Rian asked hopefully. Flyzik always managed to make them feel like six year olds. 

“No. We can talk about this now,” he said dangerously. 

“I fell asleep,” Alex admitted after a moment. “Sorry dude.”

“Jesus Gaskarth,” Flyzik replied. “This is the last straw. We can pull out of this tour.”

Alex glared at their manager for a moment. “I’m fucking fine, Flyzik.”

“That’s what she said,” Jack whispered. 

“Fucking prove it, Gaskarth,” Flyzik replied. 

“I will,” Alex retorted, folding his arms across his chest and rising to the challenge. “Watch me Flyzik.”

“Off you go then. You’re almost late.”

“We’re never late,” Alex smirked cockily, taking the guitar that someone was handing him and ruffling his hair. 

 

Rian settled himself behind the drums, and Jack and Zack took their places behind the dark curtain. The crowd was cheering already, and as Rian began to play, they cheered even louder. This is why Alex did it. Someone out there was holding everything on to seeing them tonight. He owed it to that kid to make it the best fucking night of their life. 

The curtain rose, and Alex ran onto the stage with his guitar, to loud screams and cheers. 

“SHE WORKS FOR THE WEEKEND, MIXTAPE OF HER FAVOURITE BANDS. TEARIN’ UP THE RADIO, LOST IN THE STEREO’S SOUND.”

Lost in Stereo led into Stella, which really excited everyone (including Jack, who’s favourite Nothing Personal song it was). Stella was followed by Break Your Little Heart, Six Feet   
Under Stars, A Party Song and Shameless, and then Jasey Rae. 

“DON’T MAKE THIS EASY, I WANT YOU TO MEAN IT, JASEY,” Alex sang. “SAY YOU MEAN IT.”

He stopped for a moment at ‘I’ve never told a lie’, as he had done since they’d been playing live really. Alex loved playing Jasey Rae, because of the response it got. He choked up a little when everyone sang ‘and that makes me a liar’ back, but he just managed to regain composure for ‘I’ve never lit a match’. He was a bit startled though. Jasey Rae always   
made him feel nostalgic, but he didn’t usually cry. 

This half of the setlist was always his favourite. Alex loved all the songs they’d ever made, and he loved the reactions they got from all their fans, but when he slowed it down a bit,   
and it was just him and the crowd, he really felt like he was making a difference. They played Poppin’ Champagne, and then the other three retreated to the back of the stage for a   
bit, and Alex was unplugged from his electric to his acoustic guitar, and handed a stool to sit down on. 

“You mind if I kick these assholes off stage for a moment?” he grinned at the crowd, receiving the response he’d intended. 

“Oi,” Jack called from the back, but his mic. wasn’t on so Alex wasn’t sure if anyone actually heard him. 

Alex ignored him and began to play Remembering Sunday. “He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, started making his way past two in the morning, he hasn’t been sober for days.”

And then Alex choked up again. He hadn’t been sober for days either. This song was essentially about him; he’d written it. But he wasn’t always drunk… It wasn’t supposed to be about that… Was it?

He was so confused right now.

There wasn’t any time to muse over his internal battles, because his fingers were still playing and his voice was miraculously still singing, and he couldn’t bottle out now. 

Alex made it through Remembering Sunday safely, enjoying the reaction of all their fans. Remembering Sunday was always a massive live hit. 

As he began to brush over the notes of the most familiar song he would ever play, he decided that he’d make an infamous ‘therapy speech’ tonight. He was feeling it. He knew what happened to these speeches. He’d seen some of them on YouTube. He’d seen the comments. It was the best feeling in the world. 

“This next song,” he said loudly, and everyone fell silent, scrambling for a recording device. Therapy Speeches got their whole fanbase worked up quickly. “Goes out to anybody who’s ever been told, that the way they think, or the way that they feel, is the wrong way to think, or the wrong way to feel. Listen guys, I’m feeling a little bit rough tonight-”  
Jack frowned at the back of the stage. What?

“-so if you know it, I need you to sing as loud as you possibly can. It’s called Therapy, and it goes a lot like this.”

The reaction he got from those few words was deafening, and unbeknown to Alex his three best friends and all of his crew were beaming proudly behind him. Deep down they all knew that it was a good thing that they’d played tonight. Alex needed to do this. 

“My ship went down, in a sea of sound. When I woke up alone, I had everything. A handful of moments I wished I could change, and a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade.”

He paused for a moment, and the whole crowd sang back, “IN A CITY OF FOOLS, I WAS CAREFUL AND COOL, BUT THEY TORE ME APART LIKE A HURRICANE.”

“A handful of moments I wished I could change, but I was carried away,” Alex joined in again. He wasn’t focusing, he was just playing and singing, and if anything, trying not to focus as much as possible. Therapy was a song that he knew people took seriously. He took it seriously. 

“Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything. Therapy, you were never a friend to me, and you can keep all your misery.” Alex was beginning to choke up again. There was a wall of sound hitting him; a wall of his own words. He knew if he didn’t keep in control, he’d just lose it in front of everyone.   
“My lungs gave out, as I faced the crowd. I think that keeping this up could be dangerous.”

That had used to be true. He used to panic at crowds. Earlier that year he’d run out during their set at the Believers Never Die tour. But he was a different man now. Almost. He was   
staying put.

“I’m flesh and bone, I’m a rolling fucking stone.”

Alex had been trying so hard, but when everyone joined in with ‘rolling fucking stone’, he lost it completely. Suddenly there were tears pouring down his face and his hands were   
just a blur of strumming chords. No one had noticed anything yet, but when he couldn’t manage to get ‘and the experts say I’m delirious out,’ Jack realised that something was seriously wrong with his best friend. 

He wasn’t sure what to do. It would look stupid if he ran out to Alex and nothing was actually wrong. It wouldn’t look professional at all… But if something was up with Alex…

It didn’t take much of a decision really. Jack stood up and handed Rian his guitar to do something with. He headed out to centre stage and wrapped one arm around his best friend who had completely lost his shit. 

“GIVE ME THERAPY, I’M A WALKING TRAVESTY,” the crowd was still singing, although Alex couldn’t make any noise come out. 

“BUT I’M SMILING AT EVERYTHING,” Jack sang with them, rubbing Alex’s back methodically. He wanted to cry at the sight of his best friend looking so broken, but he couldn’t. He had to stay strong for Alex. He’d known this was a bad idea. Oh god, why did they do this? Why did they let Alex convince them he was ok? He so clearly wasn’t.

“THERAPY, YOU WERE NEVER A FRIEND TO ME. YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR MISERY.”

“Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to. They’re better off without you,” Alex was singing very quietly again, but he wasn’t sure if anyone could actually hear him. Jack hated this line. He wasn’t sure if Alex genuinely felt like this, but he’d written the line so he must have sometime in his life. “Arrogant boy, cause a scene like you’re supposed to. They’ll fall asleep without you. You’re lucky if you’re memory remains.”

Both men paused for a moment, to let the chorus wash over them again. “Are you ok, Alex?” Jack whispered into his ear, trying not to draw attention to them.   
Alex nodded weakly.

“Bullshit,” Jack whispered furiously. “You crazy, crazy bastard.”  
Suddenly they were singing again. Both of them. Jack was completely conscious of the fact he couldn't really sing, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice right now. 

"THERAPY, I'M A WALKING TRAVESTY, BUT I'M SMILING AT EVERYTHING."

Alex motioned to Jack to stop for the last bit, which he did willingly. 

"Therapy, you were never a friend to me. You can choke on your misery."

Jack was shocked at the venom with which he spat out 'choke'. This was not the Alex that he had been expecting tonight. He knew this Alex; he'd known this Alex for years already, but it wasn't the one that he normally saw on stage. 

Alex finished the song in time to Rian's drums, and allowed to crowd's cheers to wash over him. Jack was standing with his arms wrapped around Alex's chest, and both of them got the feeling that the taller man was literally holding the smaller one up. 

"Jack," Alex muttered, barely audible above the roar of the crowd. "Jack, stay here."

"I'm not going anywhere buddy," Jack said into his best friend's ear, before announcing loudly "JALEX IS REAL!" to the crowd, who had assumed that Jack was kissing Alex. 

Alex turned away to collect his electric guitar back, and he had never been more glad of a distraction. He wiped his eyes and mouthed "I'm fine," to a concerned Rian and Zack. He wasn't fine, not at all, but they were nearly finished. All Alex wanted was to get completely pissed until he didn't feel anything, but he knew that no one would let that happen for a long time now. 

"Jack's having a change of scenery," Alex told the crowd. "He doesn't like stage right, so he's come to steal the limelight. But he can't actually play his guitar, so it doesn't matter."

"Hey, asshole!" Jack interjected, but his heart was only half in it. Their usual stage banter had been scarce this evening already; Alex had been concentrating on not breaking down for most of the songs really. It was never going to be remembered as one of their best shows. Jack just hoped for Alex's sake that his breakdown would be remembered as fucking inspirational or whatever. 

He didn't collect his guitar again, because he knew he wasn't going to play it, which would ruin Weightless a bit, but fuck it because Alex needed him right now. 

“This is our last song!” Alex yelled.

It wasn’t their last song technically, they had another three for encore. But they weren’t obliged to play them, and Jack wasn’t sure they should. 

Suddenly Rian launched into Weightless, and everyone was jumping and screaming and Jack almost wanted to jump and scream, except it was his band, and he was actually on   
stage and it might look a bit weird. 

“MANAGE ME, I’M A MESS.” 

‘Yep’, Jack thought to himself. His best friend was a mess at the moment. 

Jack kept his hand on Alex’s shoulder the whole time, joining in with the chorus as he would have done anyway, but not playing his guitar parts for a change, because he felt like   
he was holding Alex together right now, and that was far more important. 

They finished Weightless with a loud “CAUSE I’VE BEEN GOING CRAZY I DON’T WANNA WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE HERE” and ran off stage. 

 

Alex threw his guitar at someone and bent over with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily. What the fuck had just happened?

“Alex!” Jack said urgently, almost crashing into him. “Alex what the fuck happened?”

Alex shook his head, still catching his breath. “I don’t… I don’t know man.”

“I do,” Rian said fiercely. “You’ve been overworking yourself, and drinking too much, and pushing yourself too hard. We all saw it coming, Alex.”

Suddenly Alex literally crumpled up, and Jack had to grab his arms and catch him. “We don’t have to go back out,” he suggested. Zack and Rian nodded, but Alex was having none   
of it. 

“We’re going the fuck back out,” he said firmly. “I just need a minute… to catch my breath…”

Jack was still holding onto his best friend. “You get one. last. chance. Gaskarth. One. Ok? Tonight we can play the last three. Tomorrow we cancel the show. You get the fuck   
better, whether you sleep or get sober or whatever the hell you have to do. I’m worried Alex.”

“We all are,” Zack interjected. 

“So we’re going back out?” Rian clarified. 

“Apparently,” Jack sighed. “Oh god, this is such a bad idea. If we’re going out again, we skip Too Much. We can blame it on a tech problem later. I don’t wanna risk it. Ok?”

Alex opened his mouth to protest, but considering his three band mates and half of his crew were all glaring at him he decided that just this once he’d let them win. 

“Ok. Come on. We’re late.”

The four men plastered smiles all over their faces that weren’t fake so much as worried, collected their various instruments from crew members and ran back out to their fans. If they were skipping Too Much, then the next song they’d play would be Damned if I Do Ya (Damned if I Don’t). Everyone loved that song, but the one they were all waiting for, the one everyone was always waiting for, was Dear Maria. 

“I’VE GOT YOUR PICTURE, I’M COMING WITH YOU, DEAR MARIA COUNT ME IN,” Alex sang, and then paused to let “THERE’S A STORY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BOTTLE AND I’M THE PEN” wash over him. 

He knew that this was his last chance to make everyone’s dreams come true. He looked around and waved at as many people as he could, pointing right at the second balcony on his right during ‘”you’ll be the showgirl of the home team, I’ll be the narrator”. He saw their reactions. They made him feel happy. 

“MAKE IT COUNT WHEN I’M THE ONE WHO’S SELLING YOU OUT. ‘CAUSE IT FEELS LIKE STEALING HEARTS CALLING YOUR NAME FROM THE CROWD.”

“’Cause I got your picture, I’m coming with you, dear Maria count me in. There’s a story at the bottom of this bottle… THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH GUYS. THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST NIGHT, THANK YOU! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT AS MUCH AS WE DID. HAVE A GREAT NIGHT. MAKE SURE TO SAY HI TO OUR MERCH GUY ON THE WAY OUT. WE LOVE YOU!” Alex yelled to all the screaming fans, before throwing a couple of guitar picks and his water bottle off the stage and finally retreating to a quieter place. Rian was the last one out, stopping to throw a few drum sticks before joining his friends backstage to decide on their plan of action. 

“I want to go and say hi to them,” Alex was whining to Jack, who had decided enough was e-fucking-nough. 

“No, Lex. We can go out but frankly, I think you’ll just disappoint them. You’re going back to the bus right now and you’re going to sleep until ten o’clock tomorrow morning. Ok?”

Alex glared at his best friend. “No. Please, dude.”

“No. Come on. I’ll walk you back to the bus.”

 

Finally, almost three hours later, Jack was lying in bed in just his boxers and one of their own tour t-shirts that he’d nabbed off Vinny. It was about two in the morning, which was a pretty regular bedtime on show nights. No one was going out and getting drunk tonight though, they were all far too worried about Alex. Jack had literally forced him into bed when they got back, and sat outside his door like a parent, with his legs resting on the wall, shushing people as they went past. Although he’d started asking for ‘the   
password’ when he was sure Alex was asleep. 

They’d literally had to sneak out to sign shit for fans at about half twelve, because Alex had been so desperate to go. They’d kept it short and sweet, and made it back for quarter past one. Rian had gone straight to bed, but Jack, Zack and Matt Flyzik had sat around the kitchen table, drinking beer and discussing anything and everything that didn’t have the initials A. W. G., before finally heading off to bed at about ten to two. He was knackered, but there was still an adrenaline rush in there somewhere. It took Jack a long time to wind   
down after live shows. 

He was just falling asleep when there was a tiny tap at his door, which he’d have missed if it hadn’t been so quiet. 

“Yeah?” he whispered loudly. The door opened, and to Jack’s complete shock (although looking back, he probably should have expected it really), Alex stood in the door way in   
just a pair of old pajama pants, with his feet stuffed into untied DMs, because god knows what was on the floor of their bus. 

“Alex what the fuck are you doing here?” Jack whispered angrily. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex apologised hurriedly, and Jack had to admit that he looked a little bit scared. “I’m sorry Jack, I just…”

“What?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said childishly. 

“Why?” Jack asked bluntly. He was going to get to the bottom of this tonight, if it fucking killed him. 

“I… erm…”

“Yes?”

“Nightmares,” Alex whispered finally. “I had a nightmare.”

Jack’s shoulders slumped. He should have known. Why didn’t he fucking realise? Of course that was the problem. It was so glaringly obvious now he thought about it. Every now and then Alex got terrible ‘nightmare attacks’. He’d drink himself silly; anything to help him fall asleep easily. As a result of the drinking, he’d become tired and angry. He’d take everything far too seriously. These were the times when All Time Low wasn’t fun. These were the times when All Time Low felt a bit like some sort of living nightmare. (Although Jack would never admit that out loud because he loved this band more than anything else in the world). 

Jack should have noticed the nightmares, but he’d been so preoccupied with touring, and keeping Alex going, and drinking more than usual himself, just to make it go away a bit, that he hadn’t had time to get to the bottom of the problem. Oh god… He was such a terrible friend. 

“Oh god Alex,” he whispered. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I should have realised…”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Alex said firmly, and for the first time in the past three or so weeks, he was the one in control. “My problem. Not yours. I just… I didn’t know what to do tonight.”

In Jack’s opinion, there was only one solution to nightmares, and he was pretty sure Alex would agree. Drinking didn’t work, overworking yourself didn’t work, but sleeping with someone else (actually sleeping, not sex or anything – although Jack probably wouldn’t have complained) always worked. 

“Come here, Lex,” he said, holding his arms out. Alex’s shoulders visibly sagged with relief, and he kicked his shoes off at the door, before hurrying over to Jack’s bed and climbing in next to him. 

“Jesus Gaskarth, you’re freezing!” Jack hissed. 

“Sorry,” Alex grinned, pressing himself against Jack even more, who, to his credit, stopped complaining and instead wrapped his arms round his best friend and tried his best to warm him up. Jack rested his chin on top of Alex’s fluffy hair, and pulled the smaller man even closed to him. If that was possible. 

“God, I missed this,” he mumbled to Alex. “We should just stop touring, buy a house together and fall asleep in the same bed every night.”

Alex chuckled. “Shit man, you shouldn’t be allowed up so late.”

“Shush,” Jack replied, poking Alex in the shoulder. “Go the fuck to sleep man. I swear I’ll be here the whole night, and I’ll kick those nightmares in the butt if they come back.”

Alex snorted, because he knew that Jack slept like a log and there was no way he’d be awake to chase any nightmares away. But it didn’t matter, because Alex felt totally safe in   
Jack’s arms anyway, and all he needed to do was wake up next to his best friend and he knew it would be fine. 

“Thank you, Jack,” he whispered, before closing his eyes.

“G’night Alex,” Jack replied, and then added softly, “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, 3 of my favourite ATL songs mixed in with some shit that happened when I saw them (not the whole Alex breakdown bit, just some of the things him and Jack say, and things like pointing at the right second balcony etc ((I was the right second balcony, it was the most amazing thing ever))) and my favourite bit of the therapy speech. Ok, if you haven't heard the therapy speech go and find it on YouTube NOW. Seriously. Except maybe wait a bit because you honestly might cry. The 'rolling fucking stone' bit gets me every time, on Therapy live :3 And the 'I've never told a lie' bit on Jasey Rae.   
> Yeah. I hope you enjoyed it! :)


End file.
